Dive In
by ELfict
Summary: It took her two near-death experiences to finally realize what she'd been denying all this time. But now she knows, can she just dive in?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story is set post 3x17, so don't read if you haven't seen it yet. This takes places no more than a couple of hours after the episode ends. **

**Dive In**

_"I wish I had someone who would be there for me and I could be there for him, and we could just dive into it together."  
– Kate Beckett (episode 3x16)_

* * *

**Chapter One**

The realization didn't hit her until she was alone in her apartment. The similarities. How Josh was her Gina, and Castle was like her.

Okay, so, not exactly. Because last summer she'd been meaning to tell Castle how she had reconsidered his offer to join him in the Hamptons. About maybe wanting to give them a shot at being together if everything worked out. Then Gina had interrupted.

She was pretty sure Castle hadn't been about to tell her about some feelings for her or anything similar earlier that day. Or even ask her out. She didn't really consider the possibility, after all, part of her was still in denial about him after all this time. But there was _something _about the way he'd said 'I was thinking…' that had caught her attention. Even made her heart slightly flutter in anticipation. For what? She had no idea.

But she didn't even need to be a detective to know that he hadn't been wanting to tell her about 'having to go home to rest.'

Sure, she'd pretty much told Josh the same thing not long after, because she really was exhausted herself, and she could imagine him being the same, but still. It _wasn't_ the same.

Two near-death experiences in twenty-four hours. Castle was the one who had been with her every step of the way. The one to hold her in his arms when they were both freezing to death. And the one to hold her hand when the bomb was about to go off. Also the one to think about just yanking the damn thing apart. She chuckled. Only Castle.

The memories she had of the events that took place in the freezer were fuzzy. Vague. She didn't remember all that much at first. But then as, hours later, she was facing death again, it came back to her. The last moments before she went out. She'd thanked Castle for being there… there in the freezer, holding her. But also for all the other times he'd been there. _Always_. He'd voiced her thoughts.

And then, 'I just want you to know how much I l…' ove you. She remembered. In what could've been her last breath, she had wanted to tell him that she loved him. And there, she was again, with only three seconds left on the timer, about to die. Holding hands with the guy she loved. It was what brought a small smile to her face. Knowing that he really _always _was there for her. And that she'd finally been able to admit it to herself.

Love.

She shook her head. It was absurd. Not the concept of love itself, but just the fact that she had to nearly die to finally admit that she loved him. She smiled humorlessly. And how she almost immediately went straight back into denial the moment she fully realized she was out of life threatening danger.

It's stupid the way the human mind works sometimes.

All of this brought her back to what was really bothering her. The nagging feeling in her stomach she got when she thought about the scene that had taken place with Castle.

_What was he going to say?_

Josh had interrupted him before he could say what he'd wanted to. And Castle had left. So, no, it wasn't the same as last summer, when Gina interrupted _her. _Because Castle was the one to leave then, not she. But she was the one that was left wounded, emotionally. And if she could tell anything from his facial expression earlier that day, he had been disappointed, maybe even hurt, too.

She climbed out of bed, thinking she wasn't probably wasn't going to be able to sleep anytime soon. It wasn't even all that late yet anyway.

He'd kind of saved her life that day. No, scratch that, he'd _definitely_ saved her life. The least thing she could do was see how he was. Be a good friend, like he always was for her. _And maybe find out what he had been about to say_, a voice in the back of her head said, but she ignored it. This wasn't about satisfying her curiosity, this was about him.

The annoying voice in her head seemed to have a different opinion, but she didn't want to listen.

She got out of her oversized sleep shirt and slipped into some casual clothes. After quickly running a brush though her hair and looking in the mirror (not that she felt like she should look good for him, per se, but she wasn't about to go see him with her bed-hair ), and grabbing a bottle of wine from her kitchen she was out the door. She considered driving there, but then glanced at the bottle in her hand and decided against it. It had been a long, tiring day too, so she hailed a cab and gave the driver Castle's address.

Her heart thudded in her chest as she recognized the streets they were driving through, her mind already calculating how long, more or less, it would take to reach his apartment from where they were. Getting closer with each street. Each building. Each dangerously loud heartbeat.

When the taxi pulled up in front of Castle's building, she stood outside on the sidewalk for a moment. _What if he'd really meant the thing he had said about wanting rest? _She thought. Was it selfish to just drop by unannounced?

Suddenly lyrics of several love songs flashed through her mind, describing exactly the sudden mixed emotions she was feeling. Great. _All the songs make sense. _

She hated this particular issue became rather hard to deny. She sighed. It had been easy before. So easy that she hadn't even realized she was doing exactly that. Denying.

She sighed, took a deep breath, and entered the building.

* * *

Castle had seen Josh coming just in time. Just in time to keeping him from saying something stupid. Okay, not necessarily stupid, but… well, not exactly smart either. He knew she had a boyfriend. Still, they _had _just shared two near death experiences together. And they were friends, too, of course. Dinner and movies at his place wasn't such a horrible idea, right?

At first, after she'd told him all those things about Josh not being there, and about how she wanted someone who _would _be there for her, and about wanting to just dive in together, he'd been almost wanting to offer. Offer to be the one to be there for her. Offer to take the dive with her.

Then, after they'd survived the freezer he was suddenly in an ambulance, looking at that dr. Motorcycle boy of hers. The look of happiness on her face when she told him what it meant to her that Josh hadn't gone away, that he'd _stayed _for her, made something twist in his gut. Because she suddenly seemed intent on making this relationship with that guy work. And happy, too.

He wanted her to be happy.

But was it so selfish, or arrogant even, to wish she would be happy with him? He sighed and took a sip out of the mug he was holding, letting the warm, sweet liquid slide down his throat.

He didn't take hot chocolate very often. He used to, when he was young and before he started liking coffee. And then later, he made it a lot for Alexis. Sometimes with whipped cream or marshmallows. Or both, of course. He grinned. It was disgustingly sweet. In a good way, though.  
Now, the beverage had become somewhat comforting in a way. Memories of good times. He took another sip. Then again, the comfort factor might also have to do with the alcohol he'd mixed in this particular cup.

Suddenly his doorbell rang, and he frowned, not expecting a visitor. He put his mug down on the kitchen counter walked towards the door to open it.

And suddenly stood face to face with Kate Beckett.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, this is a horrible place to end this chapter, I know and I'm sorry. However, I'll do my best to get the next chapter up within the next couple of days. Reviews can also be an extra motivation to write, of course. ;) **


	2. Chapter 2

****

**A/N: In the trend of 'all the songs make sense', there will be a song quote at the beginning of each chapter from now on. And, since I love all kinds of music, please feel free to send me any song/lyric suggestion and I'll give it a listen. It doesn't matter if it's a song from a not very known band/singer, as long as I can find it on YouTube.  
That being said… well, I'll just let you read.**

Dive In

_I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before  
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all  
_− One and Only, Adele

* * *

****

**Chapter Two**

"Hey."

A beat. Mere seconds that it was silent, but she could hear her heart beating loudly in her chest. And she felt something else. An uncomfortable weight in the pit of her stomach. Fear? No way. But… _something_ along those lines. She felt kind of… well, nervous. Because she still, in the back of her mind somewhere, felt like she might be intruding.

"Can I come in?" She asked.

"Eh, yeah, of course. Come in." Castle opened the door further. He watched as she entered his apartment, a bit puzzled as to why she was here. He'd expected her to be with Josh all night. He mentally winced at the imaginary that followed that thought and quickly dismissed it. It didn't matter. She was here now.

"Do you want something to drink?" He offered, in an attempt to break the silence.

She looked at him, smiled, then raised the hand that was holding the bottle of wine she'd brought.

"Right." He didn't see how he could've missed that. "I'll just get glasses then." He moved to the kitchen and rummaged through a cupboard before getting out two wine glasses.

She watched him from the couch, studying his appearance. He still wore the same clothes he'd worn at the precinct before. His hair wasn't mussed either. It didn't seem like she'd interrupted his rest.

Once Castle had poured the wine in the two glasses and sat down next to her on the couch, she noted, "You weren't asleep."

Raising his eyebrow, he gave her a puzzled look. "What?"

"You said you were going home to rest, but it didn't seem like were asleep." She clarified.

No idea. She had no idea why all those words came tumbling out of her mouth. If it wouldn't make her look even more ridiculous, she'd smack herself for even mentioning it. She _wasn't _here to satisfy her curiosity. And even less to make things uncomfortable.

At least Castle didn't seem to mind or notice. "I couldn't really sleep." He shrugged. "A little too much on my mind, you know?"

He really did have a lot of things on his mind. And not just the 'Josh-thing'. Ever since he'd gotten home, his mind seemed to be on repeat. Replaying everything that had happened, everything he'd felt. First the time they'd spent locked up in that damn freezer. He'd seen her slowly fade out in his arms. And there wasn't a thing he could do about it. God, he had felt helpless. In that moment, he had been _sure_ that she would be the last person to see him alive.

But they survived.

Then, later, there was the bomb. Seeing the seconds literally ticking away. He didn't think they'd be lucky enough to survive that too. But they were.

She noticed something shifting in his posture, and was curious why.

His eyes locked with hers, as if reading her mind. "We really have been lucky today."

She nodded slowly, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. "I know."

They silently stared at each other for a moment. It wasn't just sincerity she saw in his eyes. There was something else too. Something that somehow made her wish she could comfort him somehow. A little helpless, he looked. Her gaze dropped and she reached for his hand, took it in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze before repeating softly, "I know."

This, being together, sharing the silence, was just what they both needed after everything they'd been though that day. They just sat next to each other for a while, hands intertwined, before Castle broke the silence.

"I haven't told Alexis and my mother yet about today." He said.

She looked up, slightly surprised. She knew about his relationship with both his daughter. He shared a lot with them, even some of the bad things. It seemed unusual for him to keep something this big from them.

After seeing the look on her face, he continued, "I didn't tell them before, because I wasn't allowed to. But now…" He sighed. "You know, after agent Fallon left, I started thinking… This was probably not the first time something like this has happened in the past couple of years. Only we never knew about it. It could've happened hundreds of times for all we know. I just…" He shook his head lightly. "One of these times something could really go wrong."

Looking at the ground, he added softly, "I just don't want them to have to worry about these things. Or to be afraid."

"Castle."It wasn't often that he showed her this side of him. She knew the serious side, yes. The goofy side of him as well. But it wasn't often that he actually showed her his emotions like this. She placed the hand he'd let go of on his knee. It was just like she had done when she'd found him sitting next to the pool after the triple killer case. Just staring off into space. She could definitely relate to how he felt, I a way. "You shouldn't have to worry about it either."

He sighed, and gave her a half-smile. "Yeah, I know that. But it's just… my mind keeps coming up with all these different kind of scenario's. Each worse than the other."

"Well, most of those will probably never happen. And even if someone plans on doing something, there's always a whole team ready to jump in and take care of it. We worked on this case, you've seen how serious these people take their jobs. It's true that there are things that no one can predict, but most of the time, you can."

He nodded and sighed. "It's just been a long day."

With that, they closed the conversation on that particular topic, each lost in their own thoughts for a moment. Castle glanced at her, and once again the question of why she was here with him came to mind. Did she even have a specific reason? He considered that option for a moment, before dismissing it. This was Kate Beckett, after all. She must have had a reason.

"So…" he started. "… did Josh need to go to the hospital or something?" This was in no way prying, he told himself. He was simply making conversation. Polite too, since this was the first time he'd actually listened to her request not to call him dr. Motorcycle boy anymore.

She hadn't expected him to ask that. "No, he didn't. Why?"

He shrugged casually, or at least, tried to make it look like he did. "I just figured you'd want to be with him after today."

With all the thoughts she'd been having, Josh was the last person she wanted to see, but he didn't really need to know that. Now wasn't the right moment to discuss any of that anyway. "I was pretty tired." She said. "I figured I'd go to sleep early." _But then I went to your apartment to see you instead_, she mentally added.

He nodded, and she was grateful he left it at that. "Did you have dinner yet?" He asked her.

"Eh, no, not really." She answered honestly. Well, unless he considered a bag of skittles dinner.

"I haven't had much to eat either. I was thinking of ordering in." He gave her a questioning look, wanting her approval.

She smiled. Maybe it was because she'd had so much other things on her mind before, but she suddenly felt very hungry. "Sounds good."

He reciprocated her smile. "Okay, what are you in the mood for?" He jumped up from the couch, walked away, and came back with a stack of take-out menus. He looked through them. "Thai, Chinese, Indian…" He paused, turned his head slightly to look at a menu that was upside down in the stack and then continued. "… Italian."

"Is Italian your way of saying 'pizza'?" She asked amusedly. "Cause if so, I pick Italian."

He grinned. "Italian it is." Getting out his phone, he dialed the number on the flyer, while Beckett pointed out which pizza she wanted on the menu. Once they'd ordered, Castle suggested to watch a movie while they waited for the food to be delivered.

After some arguing, they agreed on a movie, and settled back on the couch to watch it. At some point, a delivery boy was at the door with their pizzas, and Castle went to get them. When he sat down next to her again, he ended up closer than before, and she could feel the warmth radiating off his body.

They continued to watch the movie, eating their pizza's silently, aside from a small argument that followed Castle's request to trade a slice of pizza. An argument he won. Not because of his great arguing skills, but more because she wanted him to stop pouting.

It surprised her how easily they could switch from all the seriousness of before, and dealing with the things that had happened today, to just comfortably watching a movie, bantering like nothing ever happened.  
She liked that he could take her mind off of things. All traces of the nervousness and worry she'd been feeling before had evaporated, and been replaced by a comfortable warmth.

Smiling, she took another bite of her pizza. It had been a good idea to come here after all.

* * *

**A/N: Hmm, so I feel like this is sort of a… well, **_**slow**_** chapter, but even though the title of this story is 'dive in' doesn't mean they're doing that right away. Kate has still some things left to figure out, and I might still have a 'dr. Motorcycle boy' to fly off to a faraway country…  
I do think, though, it's safe to say that things will move along rather quickly within the next couple of chapters.**

**Anyway, you guys were awesome with the reviews the previous chapter (I swear, I was pretty blown away) so do you think you could try that again, maybe…? :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: It took me some time, I know, but here it is, finally.  
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Oh, one note for this chapter, this one jumps ahead in time a couple of weeks. But hopefully that'll be clear enough.**

**Dive In**

_"Well, you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on and_  
_we get along much better than you and your boyfriend."_  
– If it Kills Me, Jason Mraz

**Chapter Three**

After that evening she spent with Castle, things seemed to return back to normal again. Yes, there had been some extra tension between them, at least, it felt like there was, and she also knew very well that she _couldn't_ let things go on like this forever, but she was still weighing her options. Mostly, she was wondering _how _exactly this was going to work.

She knew she was going to have to have a talk with Josh at some point too, but she just hadn't felt ready yet. She had other things to figure out first. But much time to do so, she didn't have. Because a new case had come along.

This particular one had been hard.

Pretty damn hard.

It wasn't a child this time, though, those were always the hard ones. The victim− Sarah Keller− had been a single mother. A single mother to two beautiful children. One, the oldest, was sixteen and the other was twelve. The world as they knew it had been shattered to pieces.

Just like hers had been.

But this time she _had _caught the killer. And she could at least give them that kind of closure, though she was pretty sure that at the moment, it didn't mean all that much to them. It would take time, she knew that.

So, yeah, the case had been hard on her.

At times she had been so frustrated with everything that she yelled at Castle. Not because she was mad at him. Just because he had been around. He had _always _been there for her. To let her yell at him, to bring her coffee, to build theory with her, to convince her that she _wasn't _the worst detective ever. And even− at one point− let her cry on his shoulder.

It took them weeks to finally get the bastard. _Weeks_ in which she seemed to get more and more irritable. But Castle always knew what she needed. Her walls had already collapsed on day five, and at that point she had just started accepting his help.

She'd barely seen Josh, since she was at the precinct almost 24/7.

But tonight, he'd surprised her by coming to her apartment. They crawled into bed together and she told him about the case. She left out some things about Castle, though, because he always seemed a little… _irritated_ whenever she mentioned him, or so it seemed.

So she just told him about the case. He'd held her in his arms and soothingly rubbed circles on her back. It was nice. When she was done talking he'd told her that he understood.

Except he didn't. Because even though he knew her mother was dead, he didn't know how she'd died, or when it happened. And he also didn't know how she felt. She had almost started getting annoyed with him, like it was his fault he didn't know these things, but all the short nights were getting to her and she slowly drifted off to sleep in his arms.

That's when things started to get messy.

Beckett sighed as she was trying to get up the courage to knock on Castle's door.

After Josh had left for an emergency at the hospital, everything that had happened in the past couple of weeks had hit her all over again. Only now, for the first time, Castle hadn't been around. She felt lonely. And as she was lying in bed contemplating her options something Castle had said just kept playing in her mind. "_You can always come to me, you know that right?" _He'd said those words with so much sincerity, that she'd just lamely nodded in response.

And so she somehow ended up at his front door. Finally, she raised her hand and knocked on the door.

Nothing happened.

Just as she was going to knock again, the door was opened by Richard Castle himself and she quickly lowered her arm and gave him a small smile.

"Hey." He said, and opened the door a little further. "Come in."

She followed him in, and he took her coat after which he joined her on the couch.

"How are you?" He asked, genuinely concerned.

"I'm…" She paused and thought about her answer for a moment. "Okay, I guess."

He raised his eyebrow. "You're…okay?"

Their eyes met for a brief moment and she could see that he looked straight through her façade. "I've been better." She admitted softly. "But, given the circumstances, I'm okay, really."

He nodded slowly and picked up that she didn't really came here to talk about it. No, what she seemed to need, was some distraction. And he knew just what to do.

"I'll be right back." He said, grinning slightly. And with that, he was off.

When he came back moments later, he had his arms full of high-tech toys that he put down on the table.

She arched her eyebrow at him. "Is that…?"

"Laser tag?" He grinned. "Yes, it is."

"Seriously?"

"Yep." He smiled. "Are you up for a challenge?"

She rolled her eyes, but a smile formed on her lips anyway. "Challenge? Please, did you forget I'm a trained detective, Castle?"

"Of course I didn't, but this is something else than shooting guns entirely. I've had lots of practice with these." He replied. "The only reason that it's still a challenge is that I haven't gotten a chance to use them much lately with all the time Alexis has been spending with her boyfriend."

"Okay, you're on." She picked up some things from the table and started putting them on. When she came to the chest harness, she eyed it, then tried to put it on, put couldn't get the straps on her back right.

Castle saw it and stepped forward. "Let me." He said. He clicked the straps together and pulled two other straps that were twisted, straight, letting his hands touch her back just a little more than necessary.

"Ready?" He asked once they'd both put on the rest of the laser tag gear too.

She grinned. "Ready."

They both went into different directions after Castle had switched everything on. Beckett hid in the kitchen, behind the cooking range, while Castle stood behind the pillar in the living room. Beckett slowly moved to the corner, to look into the living room, still a bit crouched down, so Castle wouldn't see her. She noticed him moments later, his head sticking out from behind the pole, while his body was still covered.

He didn't see her at first, until she made a quick move into his direction, almost shooting him. He made a quick sprint and dove behind the couch, now knowing that Beckett was standing where he had been just seconds before. Behind the couch wasn't the best place to hide for cover, though, he knew that from experience, so he started looking for different options. She'd immediately see him if he moved to the study, so that wasn't a good idea. The kitchen was risky too, but he had a better chance with getting away.

She saw just a flash of him when he got up and ran but tried to shoot anyway, without success. She found this game to be quite fun, actually. Chasing a suspect gave a certain amount of adrenalin, yes, but it wasn't exactly fun. Because there were always moments that she had to decide to shoot, and even though she had a good aim and it usually resulted in just minor injuries, she still hated the idea that she might kill someone, even if she had no other choice. This, however, involved less adrenalin and it wasn't as challenging, but it was fun. Paying attention to where Castle went, weighing her options, planning where she should go, it was good practice.

Crouching down low, she slowly moved to the bar stools, knowing that Castle would probably be on the other side of those. Soundlessly, she made her way to the corner, hoping he'd face the other way so he wouldn't see her.

She took a breath, raised the plastic gun, and turned the corner, just as he did too. Her reflexes where faster than his, and she pulled the trigger immediately, though with the speed they'd both had came around the corner, the bumped into each other nonetheless, at the same time Castle's body armor was flashing and made a noise, a sign he'd been hit.

When their bodies collided, the side of Beckett's head hit the bar stool. Not very hard, but still hard enough to make a flash of pain run through her head. Castle's eyes widened when he saw it happen, and he slowly helped her up.

Even through the light pounding in her head, she noticed their close proximity, and especially the way his lips moved. It took her a moment to realize he'd been asking her if she was okay. She let her eyes meet his, and saw his concern. She half grinned, half winced. "I won." She said.

He smiled and shook his head slowly in amusement. "Yeah, you did." Then, after seeing her make a slightly pained expression, he said, "I'll get you an ice-pack for that."

After going to the fridge and taking off his laser tag harness, he came back with an ice-pack in his hand and a small cloth which he wrapped around it so it wouldn't be too cold. "Here." She'd expected him to hand it to her, but instead he lifted his arm, and gently pressed the pack to her head.

He kept it there, and even though it was supposed to be cold, she felt like she was actually getting warmer than before. His lips were slightly parted, and she could feel his warm breath on her face. Her own breathing almost hitched in her throat when he took a small step closer towards her, and his bright blue eyes bore into hers. The pounding in her head was replaced by the loud pounding of her heart.

She reached up with her right arm, covered the hand that was holding the ice-pack with hers, and lowered it, putting the ice-pack on the kitchen counter. She let her hand rest softly against his stomach, and he swallowed, causing her attention to momentarily go to his Adam's apple.

When she looked up and saw his eyes darken, she pulled him closer by his shirt and kissed him. Once they crossed that line, he let his hand move to her hips, pulling her closer to him, wanting to feel her body against his. Her lips parted, and he started exploring her mouth, savoring every taste. He'd thought their 'undercover' kiss had been good, but this, right now, was even better.

She needed to catch her breath, and pulled away, while Castle continued trailing his mouth down to her neck, placing kisses along her jaw line and grazing her earlobe with his teeth. When he found her pulse point, he gently sucked the skin into his mouth, and she let out a moan.

"Castle." She breathed.

_"Castle…"_She awoke with a startle and opened her eyes, and found herself in her own bedroom, a handsome cardiac surgeon next to her. But he wasn't asleep. He was staring at her, frowning. He didn't seem too happy.

Her cheeks were flushed, both from just being awake, and from the dream she'd just had. Something twisted in her gut as she briefly met his eyes. It was as if he knew what she'd dreamt. Not just that, the dream had seemed so vivid, so _real, _that it was hard to look him in the eye.

"You dreamt about him." Was the only thing he said.

There wasn't any clarification necessary, no need to define who 'him' was. She stared down at her hands and nodded slowly. "Yes." She whispered.

Josh observed her. He'd always been a light sleeper, and when she had started moving around, it had woke him up. It didn't take much to realize she was dreaming. At some point, her breathing became heavier, and he wondered what she was dreaming. When he heard a soft moan leave her lips, he'd grinned, figuring she was having some kind of hot dream about him. Until she heard her whisper _his _name.

The way she was avoiding eye contact right now, uncomfortably fumbling with her hands, it was uncharacteristic for her. She looked… guilty. Sorry, regretful. He knew straight away this wasn't just about one stupid dream. There was more to this.

"Have you…" He paused, not knowing exactly how ask the question on his mind. "You and him, have you−" He struggled for words.

She looked up, and, understanding what he was getting at, replied, "No. Nothing ever happened."

He believed her. Not just because he wanted to, but all the little things he'd gotten to know, and like, about her… well, she just didn't seem like the type to cheat. Or, if it came down to it, to lie about it to his face.

"Listen, Josh…" She sighed, "Can we−" A pause, "Can we talk about this in the morning?" She pleaded. Having this conversation with the images of her dream still fresh on her mind made it even more uncomfortable that it already would've been.

He glanced over to the nightstand to look at the clock. Four AM. He needed to work an early shift, so getting some sleep might be good. If he could get sleep at all, that is. Either way, this might give him an opportunity to get some of his thoughts sorted out.

"Okay." He nodded. With that, he turned around, so he was facing the wall, not her. The message seemed pretty clear to her.

The tension between Josh and her was an entirely different one than she had with Castle, she thought ruefully. She closed her eyes. This morning wasn't going to be good.

**A/N: So, what did you guys think? I'd love to hear your thoughts.**

**Oh, and also, you can still send me song/lyric suggestions, just shoot me a PM or just leave a review. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Writing this chapter took a lot longer than I'd planned, but I hope you'll forgive me for that. Credit for the song at the beginning of this chapter goes to **_**KBtheMD. **_**Thanks for the song suggestion. :)**

_Do the things that you always wanted to.  
__Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do.  
_− You Could Be Happy, Snow Patrol 

* * *

**Chapter Four**

That morning she woke up to an empty bed.

It wasn't that she didn't understand why that was, though she hadn't exactly expected it. Josh wasn't one to just leave things unfinished like this, to avoid confrontation. Unless it had to do with him going away on those Doctors without borders missions, that is. But this wasn't about that.

She sighed, and got out of bed.

In a haze of drowsiness, she walked out of her bedroom and into the kitchen, only to be surprised with the very familiar scent of coffee and… she inhaled. Something else. Were those _waffles_? It didn't take her long to notice the source of the mouthwatering smell – a plate with food was already on her kitchen table, along with a cup of coffee.

"Hey." Josh greeted when he saw her. "Good morning."

"Hi?" She said doubtfully, making it sound more like a question than an actual greeting.

He walked over to where she was standing and gently brushed his lips against hers for a moment for a quick kiss. "Sleep well?" He asked her as he sat down at the table, and she sat across from him.

"Yeah, fine." She replied and studied him for a moment, puzzled. Didn't he remember what happened last night? The awkward, uncomfortable conversation they were supposed to be continuing this morning? Not that things exactly felt comfortable for her at the moment either, but that seemed to be one-sided. Josh looked like he was just fine.

The silence between them was more evident than it usually was in the mornings. Granted, they both weren't exactly morning people – something that wasn't exactly ideal with both their jobs, but enough caffeine did the trick – but today they both were just a little less talkative than usual.

She took a bite of her delicious waffle.

Breakfast. Josh had made her breakfast. She'd assumed he'd just left, after last night, but no− he freaking made her _breakfast_.

She watched him calmly eat across the table through her eyelashes. Why, _why _did he have to make this so damn hard? Because he was being incredibly sweet. He was sweet, understanding, smart, not to mention incredibly hot, and he just made her breakfast. She felt a twist in her gut and felt what could only be described as guilt.

It wasn't like she could control what she dreamed about, but her dreams were still a result of her subconscious. Of her feelings. Very real feelings. The truth was getting harder and harder to ignore. And she cared too much about Josh to keep leading him on like this. He deserved better.

She put down her fork next to her on the table, the action causing a slight ting to break the silence. She sighed. "Josh."

He tensed. There was something in the way she said his name that made him a little anxious, like he knew what was coming. And if it wasn't clear enough in her voice, the look in her eyes was enough to confirm his suspicions. He knew exactly where this was going, but he dreaded it. "Yeah?"

"I…" She struggled for words and looked down at her hands. _It's just like ripping off a band-aid. _She told herself. Their eyes locked again and she took a breath. _Ripping off a band-aid, _she repeated"I can't do this anymore."

He considered pretending like he didn't know what she was talking about. Playing dumb. Asking her if she didn't like her waffles, or the coffee. But there was no use. Still, he didn't know exactly what he _should _say. Suddenly he felt a hand come to rest on his, and the woman it belonged to earning his attention. The look in her eyes was apologetic.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. Because she really was.

He gave her a half-smile, though his heart wasn't fully in it. "I know." He gently took her hand and placed a kiss on her fingers before letting it go. With that, he got up from the table, and got ready to leave, Kate following him to the door.

When he'd reached the door, he turned to face her one more time. "I'll miss you." He admitted softly.

The look of defeat on his face nearly broke her heart. "Me too."

"I'll pick up my stuff after my shift?"

"Yeah, sure." She leaned against the door frame.

He studied her face for a moment, almost as if to capture her features in his memory. Slowly leaning in, he softly pressed his lips against her cheek. "Bye Kate." He whispered, his lips lingering inches from her face.

As she watched him leave, she brushed her fingers over the spot on her cheek where his lips had been just moments before. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat and whispered against the back of his tall frame, "Bye Josh."

Once the elevator doors had closed, and he was fully out of sight, she closed the door to her apartment, stumbled to her couch and collapsed on it, lying with her face to the ceiling.

Fighting, screaming, yelling − all of it she could take. This − the silence, the politeness − made her feel so much worse. She'd almost wish he'd gotten mad at her.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to erase all thought from her mind. But it didn't work. Life would've been so much easier if she just could've fallen in love with him. _Josh. _As she opened her eyes, she had to fight against the familiar prickling sensation that she felt behind her eyes. She got up and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand as she walked into her kitchen.

The waffle was still there on the plate, partially eaten.

Her stomach twisted and she swallowed hard. She wasn't hungry anymore.

Picking up the plate, she walked over to her trash can, lifted the lid and threw the waffle in. After one last look, she closed the lid and finally gave in, allowing silent tears to fall.

* * *

Castle was surprisingly on time at the precinct for once.

After setting down the two coffees he was holding on her desk, he slid into his chair, waiting for her to arrive. When she didn't show up within the next five minutes, he fished his phone out his pocket, busying himself by shooting some angry birds at pigs.

Seven levels further, she still wasn't there. He was just about to decide whether to call her or not, when she walked past him, sitting down behind her desk like every other day.

"Good morning." He greeted her as he pushed the cup of coffee toward her, relieved to feel that it hadn't gone too cold.

There was something off about her, he noted as he studied her expression. Right before she looked up at him, a smile tugging at her lips as she gratefully took his coffee, there seemed to be some sadness in her eyes. He continued staring at her as she brought the cup to her lips and took a sip, her eyes staring off into the distance, her eyebrows slightly crinkled, but not enough for anyone to notice from afar.

A moment later she broke out of her referee, glanced over at him for a moment, and returned her attention to the work at hand, this time without the eyebrow crinkle. As her pen swept across the paper, he sat beside her desk in silence, trying to figure out what was on her mind.

She seemed very focused. That wasn't unusual for her, he sometimes was amazed at how well she could concentrate when his mind had already started to wonder off when she just began. But now it didn't seem like she was focusing in the same way as she usually did. She was focused, still, but it was more forced. Like she was making herself focus on work to avoid thinking of something else.

Which brought him back to square one. The thing that was on her mind.

Maybe it had to do with everything they'd been through. Maybe she was more bothered by those near-death experiences than she let on. _Maybe you should just ask, _a voice in his mind added.

Tentatively, he glanced over at her again. _Should he? _He sighed. "Beckett."

Her gaze lingering on the file in front of her for a second, she put her pen down, and tore her eyes away from the paper to turn towards him. "Yes?"

"I−" He stopped, rephrased his thought, and started again. "Are you okay?"

There was a slight tensing in her shoulders, and as he looked into her eyes, he could see wheels turning in her head, trying to figure out what and what not to tell him. She was quick to reply, but the momentarily hesitation while she answered was enough for him to know that she was at least partially lying. "I'm… fine." She told him. Then added, "Why?"

"Oh, no reason." He shrugged. "It just seemed like something was on your mind."

She could tell by the way he shrugged that he was trying to make her feel more at ease, pretending that his question was just a casual one. But she'd seen him staring at her before. The intensity of his gaze sometimes unnerved her, though this time the only effect it had had on her was a spreading of heat in her stomach.

She sighed, and looked down as she spoke, "Josh and I broke up." She admitted.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well." She lifted her head to look at him as she continued, "It just wasn't right, you know?"

Her eyes locked on hers and he nodded slowly. "Yeah."

And there it was again. His clear blue eyes, staring into hers with startling emotion. Images from her very vivid dream about him hit her with full force as his eyes flickered down to her lips for the slightest of seconds. Subconsciously, her tongue darted out to wet her slightly parted lips. The movement caused his attention to go to her lips again, this time lingering longer, crossing over into dangerous territory.

Breaking eye-contact, she was the one to bring them both back to reality. This wasn't the time or place for this. _But you still want him, _her traitorous mind added as an afterthought. Traitorous, but truthful.

And if the look on his face just now was any indication, he felt the same way. 

* * *

**A/N: I like Josh. I mean, I don't think it's all that great that he's with Beckett instead of Castle being with her, but he seems like a nice enough guy. And, also, they **_**have **_**been dating for quite some months now. I figured it would be hard to break up with him, even despite everything.  
Anyway, writing a little bit more of Josh was interesting, and I hope you like the way that scene turned out. That part of the chapter especially took a more time to get right that I'd expected it to.**

**I think you all know how I (and probably all other fanfiction authors on this site) feel about reviews, so I'd love it if you would review. :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Dive In**

_Tonight I don't play it safe.  
_  
− Untouchable, Ben Saunders

**Chapter Five**

Kate Beckett felt like she was sixteen again.

She was sixteen, and had a crush on Jeremy Cereza.

Castle was still sitting beside her desk, waiting for her to return from the Ladies' room. It wasn't all that late yet, but it was a sunny Friday afternoon, and most detectives had gone home early to enjoy their weekend while they could. Ryan had an entire romantic weekend planned with Jenny, and Esposito had been vaguely referring to some plans too, probably including Lanie.

So of their team, she and Castle were the only ones left.

Which was a very convenient setting for asking him out on a date. At least, it should be.

True, her breakup with Josh was recent. But if she wasn't completely honest, she hadn't been _together _with him for quite some time now. Her heart had already been out of the relationship, if it ever was fully in. She wanted Castle. So now she'd come to the point of asking him out.

And it was like Jeremy all over again.

When she was sixteen, she'd had a crush on him. He'd been smart, funny and …. They'd had some classes together, and somehow he'd end up sitting next to her every time. She didn't mind at all. They talked, laughed, teased each other and – she honestly hoped she wasn't imagining things− there was some flirting. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. And all this time she was hoping, _wishing, _he'd make a move.

He didn't. And at some point she wasn't so sure of everything anymore. She began questioning every 'moment' they had. Her mother had walked into her room while she was thinking about all of that, her eyebrow knotted in frustration. She'd poured her heart out to her mother, and she had listened patiently, intently, to her story. When she was done talking, her mother had asked whether she really liked him or not. She'd replied that she did.

"You know…" her mother had said, "sometimes, boys can be a little… _slow _with certain things."

_Johanna Beckett let out a soft chuckle as she seemed to remember something. "Your dad certainly was_."

_Kate looked up at her mother, puzzled, unsure where her mother was going with this. Johanna continued. "If you really like him so much, if you're sure about him, then you shouldn't just wait around for him to make a move."_

_Her heart thudded loudly in her chest at her mother's words, sensing exactly what her mother was getting at._

_"When you're alone with him, just ask him out. From what I've heard, he'll probably say yes."_

She had been terrified, at the time. But after some more encouraging words from her mother, she did ask him out. And he'd said yes.

And right now, Kate Beckett was tired of waiting around for Castle to make a move. So, she had made a decision. She was going to ask him out.

Problem was, she's nervous.

Sweaty hands nervous.

Which was actually very rare for her. As a cop, she'd had numerous training courses on how to deal with stressful situations, and she'd passed them all. She wasn't nervous very often. Scared sometimes, yes. But nervous? Definitely not. She could already imagine all kinds of different possibilities of what could go wrong with holding a gun while having sweaty hands from being nervous. The combination of those two factors definitely wasn't a good one.

Okay, this was getting ridiculous.

Taking a deep breath and quickly wiping her hands on her pants, she opened the bathroom door, and walked towards her desk with her usual confidence, stopping next to her desk, right in front of him. "Castle." She said, effectively getting his attention as he looked up.

"Would you like to grab some dinner?" The words left her mouth before she could stop them. '_grab' dinner, seriously? _her thoughts mocked her. It sounded too casual, too much like any other night they'd have dinner. _At least now you'll have the chance to write this off as just one of those nights instead of a date, _came another traitorous thought.

"Yeah, sure." He replied and got up as well, grabbing his coat. And before she knew it, they were in the elevator together, trying to decide where to go for dinner.

They ended up at a small Chinese restaurant near the precinct where they'd had dinner a couple of times before.

Between moments of casual banter and conversation, as they were studying the menu to decide what to order, Beckett was thinking about whether this could be called a date or not. After all, he didn't seem to know or think it was. She mentally sighed. She couldn't really have a first official date with him without his knowledge.

Pathetic, that's what this was. This 'possibly being on a date' thing. Not how it was supposed to go.

On the other side of the table Castle glanced at her, noticing the slight furrow of her brow as if something was bothering her. As his mind was coming up with several possibilities of what it might be about, the waiter interrupted his thoughts, asking them what they'd like to eat.

After ordering, Castle asked, "Is everything alright?"

His words broke her away from her thoughts, and she gave him a small smile when she looked at him. "Yes, I'm fine."

Normally, he the whole 'I'm fine'-thing would've raised a red flag for him, but this time it actually did seem like she was fine. She was convincing enough anyway, so he decided to drop it. Instead, he continued talking about their most recent case. A conversation that eventually led them into talking about Beckett's college life – he was _very _interested – and his own stories about when he was younger.

Gradually, she became less tense, and instead of thinking, she just allowed herself to enjoy, to have fun. He made her laugh, also made some not-so-subtle suggestive comments, to which she responded just as bluntly, causing him to nearly choke on his drink. Biting her lip, she tried to hide her grin at his reaction to her. It was fun to flirt with him just like he did with her, she discovered. Being on a date with him was fun. Even if it wasn't an official one, and he didn't know about it. She didn't feel like holding back.

When they'd finished dinner and left the restaurant, they hailed a cab an got in together. After giving the cab driver her address, they drove off in silence. Comfortable silence, though. She liked that it both felt comfortable with him. Talking and being silent.

As she stared out of the car window, the bright lights of the city reflecting across her face as they passed by, she very subtly let her hand fall from her lap, laying it down in the space in between them.

He noticed the movement from the corner of his eye, and was unsure what to do. For one brief moment, her eyes flickered to his, one corner of her mouth turned up in an amused smirk, before reaching for his hand, softly intertwining her fingers with his. And just like that, she returned to staring out the window, while he stared down at their joined hands and a smile appeared on his face as well.

As they stopped in front of the apartment building, and Beckett caught his slightly disappointed look as she let go of his hand, she made a snap decision. She wouldn't pass this off as just another night. She was tired of pretending. She was ready to dive in. Before she could change her mind, she turned towards him. "Walk me to my door?" She asked.

He arched a brow. "Yeah, sure."

After telling the cab driver that he'd be right back, they silently started walking side by side in the direction of her apartment, each lost in their own thoughts, though not unaware of the other's presence.

"You know, " Beckett broke the silence after a while, when they had gotten to her floor. "I kind of expected our first date to go a little different than this."

Castle's eyes widened and he coughed loudly before regaining his posture. "First… date?" The first word came out slightly strangled, but as he paused and then continued, a familiar glint came to his eyes, and he sounded like himself again.

A smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. "Yes, date." She replied, and smiled at some inner thought. "I'd actually planned on letting you know about that a little sooner."

She took a step closer to him, and whatever words he had planned on saying got stuck in his throat. With her standing this close, she had to slightly tilt her head upwards to be able to look him in the eye. She did so, and leaned in just a little bit more as her hands gently tugged on the lapels of his shirt.

His heart skipped a beat when he felt her breath against his lips.

"I have to say, though…" She whispered, and it was hard to focus on her words with all the sensations of having her this close to him distracting him. "I had a great time for a semi-official first date."

"Hmm?" Was all he could muster.

When his eyes flickered down to her lips as her tongue subconsciously darted out to wet her lips, every inch of his body was buzzing with electrifying need for her. Just when he thought they were forever going to remain in this position, with her this damn close, but there still being too much space between them – his personal kind of hell – she closed the distance between them, their lips touching at last.

Their lips moved against each other smoothly, less impulsively that their first 'undercover'-kiss, but more exploring, both savoring the feeling. He was intent on making her moan just like she had done that first time. When he traced her upper lip with his tongue, she opened her mouth in invitation, one he gladly took. As their tongues met, his left hand tangled through her hair while his other moved to her hip, subconsciously pulling her closer to him.

That's when he heard the soft whimper come from her, and he smiled against her lips.

She felt the movement of the corners of his lips turning up against hers, and mentally smiled too. They continued this little dance, both exploring each other's mouths and him trying to ignite sounds from her, to the point of breathlessness.

Once they broke away from each other, in desperate need for air, he took a moment to fully take her in. Her lips were swollen, her breathing unsteady, her hair slightly more messy than usual, but perfect nonetheless. And she looked that way because of him. He liked it.

She reciprocated the grin that was on his face.

After a moment of just standing there, grinning at each other, she leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. "Goodnight Castle."

"Goodnight." He said, and she moved to open the door to her apartment. Then a thought struck him, and before she could close the door behind her, he stopped her. "Wait."

She turned around to face him.

"Would you like to have dinner with me?" He asked, then quickly added, just to be clear, "On an official date?"

She smiled. "I'd love to."

**A/N: Cereza (the last name of Kate's for this story created high-school crush) is Spanish for 'cherry'. I know cherries are becoming quite the cliché, but I like putting little things like that (a character named something connected to something on Castle) in my stories. I don't do it often, though. But still…  
Also, I really hope I kept them both in character enough with this. I know that in a lot of stories Beckett seems to hold back and wait for Castle, but I wanted to do it differently. I think that for Beckett admitting to herself what she wants is the biggest step, and this just a logical one to follow.**

**Anyway, thoughts?**


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